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Exasperating Fathers
Sermon preached on Father’s Day, June 21 2009, by Rev. Randall Toms at
St. Paul’s Anglican Church in Baton Rouge, LA
Colossians 3:21
As a Christian father drives around town, watches television and movies, reads the newspapers, and in many other ways observes the immoral, lazy, undisciplined, and disrespectful behavior that we observe in so many young people, he may say to himself, “My children are never going to turn out that way.” Then, with full determination he sets out to mold the character of his children in such a way that they will become truly godly and holy. But sometimes, in our zeal to produce these “perfect” children, we go overboard in our efforts. It is so difficult to be a Christian father. If we are not firm enough with our children, we may be guilty of the sin of permissiveness, and be judged, like Eli and David as those who did not use enough restraint in the upbringing of their children. On the other hand, if we are too severe with our children, we run the danger of alienating them from our affections. It is certainly true that if we are too lenient, the child may ruin his life because of our lack of disciplinary efforts. On the other hand, if we are too harsh and severe, we can damage the child emotionally and spiritually. This dilemma is nothing new. We can go back into the writings of the Greeks and Romans and find that they, too, had a difficult time in determining when they were being too strict or too permissive with their children. It is true that Colossians 3:20 tells children to obey their parents. But it is also true that Col. 3:21 tells fathers not to provoke their children to wrath. In Eph. 6:4, this admonition is worded,
“And ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”
BALANCE IS OF NECESSITY
Here we see the Apostle Paul’s plea for balance in the role of the father. Yes. He must admonish. He must discipline. But he must also be one who nurtures. And he cannot allow his zeal to discipline to become so oppressive that it results in the angry rebellion of the child. Thus, Paul writes, Fathers, provoke not your children to anger.
The word that is translated as “provoke” in this verse means “to stir up,” “to excite,” or “to arouse.” If you have a KJV you will notice that the words “to anger,” are in italics, indicating that they are not in the original, but that is the sense in which this word “provoke,” should be taken. St. Paul is telling us that we can be so hard, so overbearing with our children, that we provoke them to have an attitude of resentment towards us. The New International Version translates this verse, “Fathers, do not embitter your children.” The Holman Bible translates it “Fathers, do not exasperate your children.” The Good News Translation has it, “Parents, do not irritate your children” Paul further explains this when he adds the phrase, “lest they be discouraged.” The word that is translated as discouraged means to be broken in spirit, to be disheartened, or dispirited. In our zeal to bring up our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, we often see it as our duty to be constant watchdog, always looking for that wrong action or reaction, that attitude that we disapprove of, and the moment we see it, to pounce on it with all our might in an effort to drive it out of the child. Certainly, we need to correct our children, but we can do this to the degree that our children look upon as nothing more than the policeman who lying in wait to give them a ticket when they step over the limit. They begin to see it, not as fathers who love them, but as someone who is constantly nagging, whose only purpose in life seems to be to find fault with everything they do. Paul says that if we go overboard in that direction, children become disheartened, discouraged, because they begin to think that everything they do is wrong, and eventually, they give up on doing what is right because they think that they can never do anything that is right. They may begin to feel that there is nothing that they could ever do that would be pleasing in the sight of their father.
It is only natural for a father to want his child to do his best in every area of life, but sometimes that desire for the child to do his best becomes the desire for the child to excel, to be the best in everything. So, it appears to the child that the father is never satisfied. No matter what the child accomplishes, the father is never satisfied, but always insisting that the child could do better. It is like the child who comes home with a test, so proud that he made a 96, and the father looks at it, and the first thing he says is, “How did you lose those other four points. You could have made a perfect score.” When we constantly do that, the child begins to feel that nothing he does can ever measure up to the standard that the father has set for him. He becomes discouraged. It’s interesting that in the Ephesians 6 passage, the apostle Paul uses a different word for “provoke.” The word there means “to exasperate.” In other words, our constant criticism of our children can irritate them, annoy them to the degree, that they become very angry and irritable toward us.
SO, HOW DO WE AVOID THIS EXTREME?
How do we provide all the discipline that is necessary, all the instruction, guidance, and correction that is necessary, and yet, do it in such a way that we do not break the spirit of our children, with that terrible feeling that they never measure up, so what is the use in trying any more? First, develop an attitude of patience toward your children. Very often, in our zeal to see our children become godly, we expect them to become spiritual giants over night. Realize that that is probably not going to happen. After all, it took you a few years to become the spiritual giant that you are now, didn’t it? Some of us used to read the biographies of Puritan children who were godly at such an early age—people such as Cotton Mather and David Brainerd. We were determined that our children would be like that. In our zeal to make them such little saints, we forgot that they were children, and failed to treat them as children. We forgot that their service to God right now is to be children, to laugh, to play. A few weeks ago, I took my granddaughter to the rehearsal for her dance recital. In these dance recitals, you can bet that they are going to play at least one or two tear-jerkers for the dance routines. Anyone who knows me knows that I am very sentimental and emotional. I told my daughter that I think I am getting worse with old age, and she said, “I know you are.” Well, one of the dance routines was done to Billy Dean’s country song, “Let Them Be Little.” When they started playing it, my daughter leaned over and said, “Don’t cry.” And I said, “Too late. I cried all through the rehearsal.” Certainly, as a father, it is your duty to correct, instruct, and discipline, but it is also your duty to play, to love, to cherish, and accept your children as children—let them be little. Patiently teach them with love and acceptance and you will avoid provoking them to wrath.
KEY IS IN MODELING
Second, in order not to exasperate our children, we must be examples of godliness and discipline ourselves. They must look at us and see in us the model that we want them to follow. I know we often say, jokingly, don’t do as I do, do as I say,” but there is probably no quicker way to exasperate a child than that. Children aren’t stupid. They will be irritated, exasperated, when they see our ungodly behavior and ask the question, “Why should I do what he says when he won’t follow those same rules in his own life?” Sometimes, our efforts to discipline our children are almost comical. I know that you have never been guilty of this, but we have seen other people do it. But have you ever seen people discipline their children when they are in a rage themselves. It seems a little inconsistent for a parent to be out in public with a child, lose his temper with the child, and then in an undisciplined rage, scream at or whip their child, “Saying control yourself, control yourself,” when you they are so obviously out of control themselves.” The child is thinking, “This is a great way to teach me how to control my temper.” It is this inconsistency in our own behavior that children often find so exasperating. One day we punish them for doing something and the next day we let them get away with it. Or if we have more than one child, we let one child get away with doing something but come down hard on the other child for doing the same thing. This time of year we get exasperated at baseball games when a pitcher on our team throws a pitch and the umpire says its outside the strike zone, but the other team’s pitcher comes out, throws the same pitch, and it’s a strike. What do we say? “Hey ump! Call it both ways.” All we want is consistency. A child is the same way. They look to us for consistency, and if they don’t see it, they become exasperated. They see this inconsistency especially in our devotion to God. One week, we seem all on fire for the Lord, reading our Bibles, praying, trying to serve the Lord, and the next week, they see our ardor and affections cool. The child thinks, “They expect me to disciplined and constant in my service to God, but why aren’t they?” If we don’t want to provoke our children to wrath, if we don’t want them to become discouraged, and disheartened, we must model the behavior we want them to imitate.
THE NAGGING FATHER
Third, avoid the tendency to be constantly nagging. One of the caricatures of our culture is that of the nagging wife, the one who is always finding fault with her husband, always giving him orders so that the man always feels as though he is under constant pressure. Certainly, it is possible to be a nagging wife, but it is also possible to be a nagging father, to the degree that the child may not even enjoy being around his father, dreading coming home from school, dreading when his father might come home from work, because once again there will be the constant nagging, the constant pressure. To overcome this tendency to be constantly nagging, be more moderate in your expectations for your children. Certainly, teach them to do what is right, correct them, and teach them to do their best, but realize that they are going to do what is wrong from time to time, and even when they do their very best, they are not going to be perfect. When they do wrong, when they don’t measure up, let them always be assured of your love for them, your acceptance of them, even when they do not meet your expectations. After all, God is your father, and how does he treat you? One of the most beautiful expressions of God’s fatherly love for us, in spite of our imperfections is found in Psalm 103: 8
The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy.
He will not always chide: neither will he keep his anger for ever.
He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him.
As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.
Like as a father pitieth his children, so the LORD pitieth them that fear him.
For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.
One of the most amazing lines from that passage is “he hath not dealt with us after our sins.” What would have happened to you if God given you exactly what you deserve every time you have sinned. One thing is for certain—none of us would be here this morning. Rather than giving us exactly what we deserve, God has been gracious, slow to anger, plenteous in mercy, he pities, he knows what we are—we are just dust—sinful dust at that. Years ago I heard a preacher who had a child that had a developmental disability. Intellectually, he would never be more than a little child. One time in his teen-age years, he did something wrong, and the preacher told him, “You know what you did was wrong, and I’m going to have to punish you.” And his son looked at him said, almost as a 4 year old would say it, “Daddy, you give me another chance.” And the preacher said, “What could I do when I remembered how often I had been to my heavenly father, knowing what I deserved, and said, “Daddy, you give me another chance.” And wonder of wonders, God does. Remember that your children are sinners, just as you are a sinner. Yet God remembers what you are and is merciful accordingly.
PAUSE TO GIVE THANKS
So, on this Father’s day, we pause to give thanks for the best of all Father’s, our heavenly Father who has loved us and been so patient with us; a God who loved us so much, that though he loved his Son more than any father could ever love his own child, God sent his son into the world, so that we might become his children, so that we might have the privilege of looking at the mighty ruler of the universe and saying, Abba, Father.” Because of what Christ has done on the cross, we can now boldly say, Our Father, who are in heaven….” Fathers, if you would know how to be a Father, look at your heavenly father. He is the example. He is firm, he disciplines, and he corrects. But at the same time, he is loving, accepting, merciful, and forgiving. He doesn’t provoke his children to wrath. Rather, he encourages us and is infinitely patient with us. And when we see him in this way, we obey him, not because he has the rod of iron in his hand, not because of the threat of chastisement and judgment, but we serve him and obey him because that is the natural response to such overwhelming love. This is the key to discipline, this is the key to obtaining obedience from your children. Love them as God loves you, and then obedience will be given to you, not out of slavish servile fear, but out of loving gratitude in the same way that we are to render our obedience to our heavenly Father.
Amen.